yes, i am still alive

Of course I haven't blogged in a long time. I suppose a lot has happened since then. We bought a house and close this Thursday. We are going to start moving in this weekend. I am not sure we will get everything moved in this weekend because I am behind on packing. Apparently I had some sort of viral infection that turned into a secondary infection, leaving me with sinusitis and bronchitis. I went to the doctor and got drugs today. I hope to feel significantly better early this week. I need to pack and also go to work. Oh yeah, I got a job as a Teacher at a daycare. I have my own classroom made up of twelve 3-yr olds. In the mornings, I have a total of about 16 kids all to myself, ages 3-5. The mornings are crazy. The job is crazy and I am pretty sure that is where I picked up my illness. Those snotty kids are always sick.

The past three months were fairly uneventful. Suddenly, there are a million things to do. The minute one thing comes along, everything starts happening at once and I get sick. It has always been like that :)

square two?

I think I am getting closer on the whole finding a job and working thing. A couple of places contacted me this week about interviews. One of the organizations was the same one I interviewed with a month ago. They decided they didn't want me then, but a month later wanted to reconsider. I had an interview with them today. The interviewers were not the same people I spoke with last time. Turnover is so high at this place they had gone through quite a few people since the last time I saw them (three weeks ago). Anyway, I was excited and thought it could be my chance at a meaningful job. The interview went well today, but I thought they went well last time. And then, I had another observation period, where I go and observe the clients engaging in daily activities. Last time, I only experienced mild behavioral issues, it was strange, but I still wanted to work there. After today, I am almost positive I do not want to ever step foot in that place again. I am angry, but I didn't realize it until about half an hour ago.

The organization provides rehabilitation programs for delinquent youth who have been sentenced there by the court. Their options are either complete the program or go to jail, I was told. I didn't realize just how serious the situations were. I was appalled by what I saw. The place is extremely depressing and I felt very uncomfortable, even with the staff members. I saw lots of strange, inappropriate, and disturbing behavior today. Plus, one of my primary duties would be breaking up fights and tackling teen boys.

Four pop-tarts, spaghetti, two lean pockets, potato chips, an apple, a kiwi, a large dinner salad, a breakfast bar, etc., and several hours later, I can now put into words how I feel. Violated. No thanks. I will have to remain jobless a bit longer. This is not the job for me. My life is finally on the right track and free of dangerous wackos. I am done playing with fire. I will not let severe dysfunction creep its way back into my life, no matter what the disguise. It is not my job to save these boys; it's too much for me. I have to listen to my gut this time. Ignoring it has been my biggest pitfall in the past.

I am so glad they didn't offer me the job a month ago.

Good news, a daycare called me today to see if I was interesting in a teaching position, which I am. Hopefully I can setup an interview with them when I call tomorrow :) Hopefully that job won't involve tackling, and if it does, at least the kids will be much smaller and more mangeable.

update

I haven't posted anything in a long time. I still don't have a job. But, the good news: we are buying a house! The house hunting process and securing the contract have been a roller coaster. We close on November 5th if all goes well, and I think it will from here on out. I will post more later. I need to clean.

How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes.

Sounds promising. Cough. Cough.

But what the hell, I have nothing else to do today. I suppose I can spare 20 minutes.

"Perhaps you’re a rather nihilistic person who doesn’t believe you have a purpose and that life has no meaning. Doesn’t matter. Not believing that you have a purpose won’t prevent you from discovering it, just as a lack of belief in gravity won’t prevent you from tripping. All that a lack of belief will do is make it take longer..."
     Haha, liking this so far.

"If you want to discover your true purpose in life, you must first empty your mind of all the false purposes you’ve been taught (including the idea that you may have no purpose at all)."

     Okay, that sounds insanely difficult.

"So how to discover your purpose in life? While there are many ways to do this, some of them fairly involved, here is one of the simplest that anyone can do. The more open you are to this process, and the more you expect it to work, the faster it will work for you. But not being open to it or having doubts about it or thinking it’s an entirely idiotic and meaningless waste of time won’t prevent it from working as long as you stick with it — again, it will just take longer to converge.
Here’s what to do:

1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.

That’s it. It doesn’t matter if you’re a counselor or an engineer or a bodybuilder. To some people this exercise will make perfect sense. To others it will seem utterly stupid. Usually it takes 15-20 minutes to clear your head of all the clutter and the social conditioning about what you think your purpose in life is. The false answers will come from your mind and your memories. But when the true answer finally arrives, it will feel like it’s coming to you from a different source entirely.

For those who are very entrenched in low-awareness living, it will take a lot longer to get all the false answers out, possibly more than an hour. But if you persist, after 100 or 200 or maybe even 500 answers, you’ll be struck by the answer that causes you to surge with emotion, the answer that breaks you. If you’ve never done this, it may very well sound silly to you. So let it seem silly, and do it anyway.

You may also discover a few answers that seem to give you a mini-surge of emotion, but they don’t quite make you cry — they’re just a bit off. Highlight those answers as you go along, so you can come back to them to generate new permutations. Each reflects a piece of your purpose, but individually they aren’t complete. When you start getting these kinds of answers, it just means you’re getting warm. Keep going. It’s important to do this alone and with no interruptions. If you’re a nihilist, then feel free to start with the answer, “I don’t have a purpose,” or “Life is meaningless,” and take it from there. If you keep at it, you’ll still eventually converge.

Discovering your purpose is the easy part. The hard part is keeping it with you on a daily basis and working on yourself to the point where you become that purpose."

Okay, why not. Maybe after breakfast. I'll let you know the results.

You can read more at Steve Pavlina's blog. Everything in bold belongs to him.

Puppy Love

Today we played with an almost 3 month old Yorkie Poo and an almost 3 month old Boston Terrier. Both female, both adorable. The Yorkie Poo has very sharp teeth!! The Boston was insanely hyper until she was fed, then she was totally sedated. They apparently cost $1700-$1800 each... no I didn't accidentally add an extra zero. You read it right. Unbelievable. It isn't like dogs in general are a rare commodity. There are plenty of perfectly lovable (and potentially grateful) dogs at your local animal shelter. Why are we still breeding them like crazy in puppy mills and keeping them in tiny pet store cages? My tips for finding a wonderful dog and being a generous human being:

1. First check your local humane society. These dogs are not only more affordable than buying from a breeder or pet store, but are also usually desperately in need of a home. The best pets I have ever had were found at a shelter or on the street. Often vet visits, spay/neuter, and other perks are included in the adoption price.
   
2. Go to Petfinder.com and type in your zip code. You can even type in the breed of dog for which you are looking. Tons of animal shelters and rescue groups post their pets on this site.
3. Check for rescue groups in your state or nearby if you are looking for a specific breed. There are Boston Terrier rescue groups in many states, including New Mexico and Arizona.
4. Buy from an ethical breeder who doesn't raise their animals in adverse situations.

I am sure pet stores mean well and in some cases, may not know where the puppies are born. Everyone has to make their own decision on whether or not an animal is right for them and where they are going to look for their puppy. Personally, I am not quite comfortable buying an $1800 'designer' puppy that looks just like all the others when there are deserving, homeless dogs with wonderful personalities and quirks available for less than $100 (everything included).

But, all puppies deserve love. I still like to go and give my love to the pet store puppies.

What you've heard is true.

I am a digger.

This was first brought to my attention many years ago by my mother who accused me of a being an ice cream tunneler. The rule of no tunneling was quickly established in our house. I was guilty as charged.

I dig. I dig for the hunks of cookie at the bottom of the ice cream container. I search for only the cheesiest of the cheesy Doritos. I thrust my arm to the bottom of the popcorn container (quietly or during loud sections of a movie) in search of kernels saturated in butter. I eat the chip crumbles at the bottom of the bag, guaranteed to be the saltiest. I retrieve peanut butter only from the bottom of the jar, where there is less oil. Yellow gummy bears have no chance, and neither does anyone who might want a bear of the yellow variety.

I prefer bread from the middle of the loaf. I select items at the grocery store which are placed somewhere in the middle of the shelf. I reach as far back as I can into the milk cooler to find a jug with the latest possible expiration date.

Yes, I am one of those people.

And finally, I have found someone who does not mind my tunneling tendencies. In fact, when he comes across a particularly large piece of cookie in his ice cream, he offers it to me. He surrenders the yellow gummies and doesn't mind lending a long arm when I can't quite reach the perfect container of cottage cheese.

Let's Play a Game

It's called: What dog would Morgan choose if she could have a dog?

The contestants:

1. Spartan

2. Mouse

3. Denali

4.Chewey

5. Lola

It seems Lola is the best-behaved. She knows sit, down, shake, stay, etc. She is also good with dogs of all sizes, cats, and children (or so I hear). And she is freakishly calm for a 1-yr old dog.